I feel like abortions should bother me more
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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