you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
