did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
