We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
