i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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