CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
