Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
