I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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