totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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