Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
