The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
