it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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