Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
