My Higher Power is John Stamos
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
