Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
