I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
