just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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