There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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