Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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