there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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