i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
