I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Your cock deserves a montage
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
