Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...