Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.