I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
