After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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