Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Please don't give away my fajitas
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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