Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
