Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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