my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
