Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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