her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
