and i looked up. we had an audience...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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