he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
