put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
