2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize