the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
