I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
