I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
