wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
