nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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