He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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