he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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