take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
