It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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