guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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