I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
