I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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