He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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