So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
