Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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