Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need to sanitize my soul.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
