Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
