I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
